if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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