i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
