I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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