I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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