We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
