she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize