Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
