I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
