Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
