Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
