dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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