I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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