I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
