Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize