Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
