____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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