I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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