I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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