I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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