He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize