you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize