i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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