My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize