first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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