My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
even my farts smell like vagina
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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