ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
