I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
