She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
