I just made out with a guy for $7.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
