Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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