Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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