Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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