yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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