He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
