Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
