someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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