I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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