That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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