so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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