this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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