can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
