So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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