yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
