my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
