My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
