The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
