Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
