My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize