Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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