I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
