We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize