I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
