someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
