I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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