Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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