you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
