I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
