So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
