You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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