i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
