ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
