my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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