when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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