apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
