I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
