I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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