Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
