He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
